May 18, 2009

 

Random Thoughts... REDUX!

Dude, I don't even know what that title means. Anyhoo.

1. Ahhh... it feels good to be numbering things again. It's been far too long since I've numbered anything. Well, anything beyond 5 because that's how many people live in my house and they're tired of having to line up just because I have it in my head to randomly number things.

2. Longtime readers of this blog know that I am no fan of political correctness. Whereas before it was tolerable to some degree, now I just loathe it. The reason for my shift is because I blame each and every overly politically correct person out there for the demise of my favorite show, 24. Where once Jack Bauer used to unflinchingly extract information from terrorists, now he whimpers and bemoans his past as he struggles with a sudden crisis of conscience. It's enough to make me throw up the cupcake I ate 12 minutes ago (which I would relinquish VERY grudgingly since it's from Crumbs), and the pizza I had for dinner last night plus everything in between. I never thought I'd say this but a few times this past season, I've screamed "Oh shut the fuck up Jack, really???"

Per that one site, "Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas" but after this past season, Superman is wondering if his pajamas are going to become a vegetarian and cry through re-runs of Grey's Anatomy. I can't believe I just said that. I feel like a deeply religious person who accidentally urinated on a rosary.

However, despite my current disappointment in the writers of 24 bowing to politically correct pressure, I do have to throw them some shoutouts since last night they accomplished the impossible and actually had me LIKING Kim Bauer. It's the first sign of the Apocalypse. Start stocking up on water, batteries and non-perishable food items now.

3. More importantly, did I just use the word "per" in a blog post? Really? It's a bit pretentious. Then again, I can be pretentious. In fact, I'm being pretentious right now just by using the word pretentious. It's a vicious circle.

4. I've been watching a lot of basketball recently, mainly in preparation for rooting against the Lakers in the Finals. As with most sports fans, or in this case as with most sports nonfans, I firmly believe that my thoughts on the matter directly impact the outcome of the game. As does my choice of clothing, the location of my seat at the bar or in the living room, and whether or not I am concentrating on the play. I'm a bit rusty, as my powers were sadly ineffectual in Game 7 of the L.A.-Houston series, however I have been practicing by watching Chris Childs knock Kobe around a bit, and am confident that my mental powers of game control will be ready by 9 p.m. tonight.

5. Saw Angels and Demons over the weekend and I was fairly impressed. I'm not one of those people that talks smack about Dan Brown. Number one, he's written some books and I haven't. Number two, his books weren't intended to win any Pulitzers, or save the world, they were meant to entertain and I think millions of people agree he accomplished that to a certain degree of effectiveness. That being said, I was disappointed with the movie Da Vinci Code and figured I'd be likewise disappointed with its successor, which in the literary world was its predecessor. Anyway, it was good. Although not (I'm assuming since I haven't seen it yet) as good as Star Trek which is apparently so good that people want to mate with it and have little film reel babies.

6. My friends and I did one of those "How to Host a Murder" dinner parties last Saturday night. The scene was the Roaring 20's which means we all got to dress up and look fabulous. If you ask me, clothes these days suck. What passes for glamour and style takes about as much effort as putting on chapstick. Not that I want to walk around with a feather boa and my flip-slops, but let's face it, T-shirts and shorts? We're comfortable but boring. I'm yawning just thinking about us.

Posted by: Riss at 10:47 PM Email This Post --

May 8, 2009

 

Naughty Vulva

Nahh I'm not being porny. That's my new band's name. If, by "new band" you mean "group of women who are not musically inclined with the exception of drunken karaoke and who have no actual intention of ever producing any music but damn making up fake song titles sure is fun." Which I do.

Incidentally, this is my plan. I am going to start blogging again and pretend I never left. I'm going to be that guy that slinks home from the strip joint, reeking of cigarette smoke, Designer Imposters "Channel No. 69" and Maker's Mark, with a hickey the size of a half dollar on his neck (heh I said "hickey"), and quietly slides into bed and pretends he didn't screw up royally. It's a good plan to me.

Anyway, my point is that I've started a band called Naughty Vulva, and these are the songs in order of non-release:

1. Skank (this is a tribute to my former co-workers, not because they're skanks but because they loved to use the word)

2. Rice Pudding Vampire Lesbians (I'm sure it's obvious but this is a rap song)

3. Wine From Her Box

4. I Have a Hole (this is a rock ballad, much like "High Enough" by The Damn Yankees or "Love Song" by Tesla)

5. She Made Fun of My Nuts (that's not actually a euphemism for anything. I pulled a bag of actual mixed nuts out of my purse and everyone made fun of me boo)

6. Ode to Tito Manny (have to be like that guy in the Blackeyed Peas who randomly points to his Filipino heritage)

Anyway, I figure I'll write some press releases, since that is what I do, and organize some promotional events around Naughty Vuvla. Eventually, we'll offer our songs for pre-release purchase on iTunes and eventually make enough to supersize that Value Meal like it's nobody's business. Word!

Posted by: Riss at 5:30 PM Email This Post --

September 10, 2008

 

I got a new job WOO-HOO!!!

The position is senior to what I am now, the location is convenient, the office space is gorgeous (it's a loft space so lots of windows and natural light, high ceilings, hardwood floors) and the staff seems pretty awesome.

I start next week. WOOT!

Posted by: Riss at 10:01 PM Email This Post --

August 25, 2008

 

Sunlight Prevents Hairy Palms

So how about... I was walking on 8th Avenue on Saturday morning and it was a beautiful, sunshiney day. There were hundreds of people around; tourists out to fill the day with as many activities as possible, early birds grabbing a bagel or an egg white omelette, bleary-eyed clubgoers making their way home while cursing that last shot of generic tequila served in a Patron bottle.

I was striding along, complaining to myself about having to be up so early on the one day I get to sleep past 7, when it occurred to me that there was only one other person on the block. And that one person was directly in front of me, standing outside of a closed bikini bar. And his pants and underwear were down around his knees. And his shirt was lifted up. And his hand was jerking furiously towards the finish line. In broad daylight.

About a jillion thoughts raced through my head "What the fuck. Am I seeing this? This isn't real. Are you kidding me? It's 9:45 in the morning on 8th Avenue for God's sake. I'd understand if it were 3 a.m. on Avenue C or something. It's shady in the East Village. The bikini bar is closed, what is he even looking at? Wait no, don't check. Don't take your eye off him. Focus. FOCUS!! Fuck, you're still walking and he's like 4 feet away now. Move. Move!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!"

I veered to my right, somehow having the presence of mind to not step in front of an oncoming vehicle, in time to put a car between us as I passed him. The idiot thing was, I wasn't even considering being attacked-- I just didn't want to get hit by any projectiles. Hey, it was a new dress. Who wants to be all Monica Lewinsky with a homeless guy. A group of people approached the block then and I was still in a bit of a shock, and couldn't wrap my brain around a warning in time. What would I have said anyway, "Hey wuh uhh guy there, sperm."

I called my girl Kelly afterwards and she just laughed hysterically and said "This shit only happens to you. The only time it would ever happen to me is if I were standing right next to you."

*Sigh*

Posted by: Riss at 8:00 AM Email This Post --

August 19, 2008

 

Asian Groceries Are Scary

Ten seconds after entering the frozen food aisle at the Asian grocery last weekend, I became immensely glad that I happened to have my camera with me.

Every fridge needs ketchup, mustard, mayo and congealed pig's
blood. Otherwise what will you put in your sandwiches.


The most popular item at the KFC in Beijing is popcorn chicken hearts.


The second most popular item is Kentucky-fried chicken feet.
Functional and tasty, afterwards you can use them to clean your teeth.


This is just scary on so many levels. The name is hilariously simple
though. When I approached it, carefully, I thought the name would be
something like "Thousand-year dynasty fowl" or something equally exotic.


I prefer my ox feet fresh, so the natural nutrients are retained.
However, frozen ox feet is better than no ox feet.


I guess which pig snout dish to prepare depends wholly on what
type of wine you're serving. A full-bodied red would require
something like "Braised Pig Snout and Figs With Sauteed Broccoli
Florets" whereas something like a German riesling would require a
dish like "Cherry Almond Glazed Pig Snout with Gorgonzola Sauce"


At the risk of sounding repetitive, I really do prefer my pig
tails frozen, which retains both the flavor and natural nutrients
of pig tails. That's real pig tails, versus the hairstyle worn
by the women on those secret video files stashed on your computer.


I laughed out loud at the store. Yeah, I know I'm 12.


There are... no words. Wait, sure there are. "Pig fetuses not included."

Posted by: Riss at 10:07 PM Email This Post --